Two years ago today I left the last pieces of my old life behind.
At the time, I was recently-divorced, living in a rented house on a 130-acre organic farm and recovering from the year from hell I’d had in 2013 – and working on manifesting who I wanted to become now that I had the opportunity to do it differently.
For 20 years I had worked in the medical transcription industry – all of it working from home, first as a self-employed contractor and later for a national company – and I by that time I was in Quality Control.
On September 12, 2014, my sister and I said goodbye to our Mama’s house as it was handed over to it’s new owners. (They turned out to be a lovely young family who appreciate Mama’s house so much, so I know she’s smiling down on them).
It was also the day I left my longstanding career behind to step into the role I’m here to fulfill: Bringing hope, help and healing to wounded women.
So many things catalyzed that change. At first, it was things outside my control – the death of my mother, the demise of my marriage, the emptying of my nest, the death of my dog. Then it became something I actively pursued.
But a whole lot of healing and understanding happened in between those two stages.
Earlier this summer, when I was going through another cycle of change, I went to the library to get some books. I was feeling uninspired, so I asked the librarian to recommend something: she gave me a book called The Last Time I Was Me, authored by Cathy Lamb. I’d never read her work before.
When I opened the book later that day and read the first few words, I about fell off my chair. I could easily have written the opening lines, and those lines set the stage for a story that aligns completely with what I’m doing in the world – both personally and professionally.
With Cathy’s gracious permission, I’m quoting those first words here:
“Women can look so innocent.
And a few of them might be. Innocent I mean.
Most have secrets. Pretty big ones, if I do say so myself.
They silently nurture raging passions they’ve smothered for years because life has insisted they do so. They hide who they truly are because they’re in a box and no one in their families would feel comfortable if they broke out of that box like a rose on speed. They think non-innocent thoughts like: Should I castrate my husband? Should I leave my family and pesky in-laws, head for Tahiti, and have a fling with a lifeguard while downing daiquiris?
Women can smile and be gracious and kind. And most women usually are. Gracious and kind, I mean.
But to assume that a woman, any woman, is completely innocent is to be completely naive.
For example, take my recent not-so-innocent nervous breakdown.
The breakdown happened to occur in front of eight-hundred-thirty-four advertising execs and their minions. All of whom think they are imminently cool and vitally necessary to the earth’s continual spinning around the sun.
As the creative director for a stratospherically successful advertising firm in Chicago I suppose you could say I went out in a big way.
My mother died two months before.
I had also found out that my longtime live-in boyfriend had not one current girlfriend on the side, but a small harem. This had prompted me to retaliate against him in a colorful and creative manner using, among other things, a hot-glue gun. The police were called, handcuffs were snapped, charges were filed, and now I had to be in court in a few months to fight assault charges. Plus, Jared Nunley, the boyfriend, who will heretofore be known as Slick Dick, was suing me for every nickel I had.
Me, and ex-soloist in my church choir, who sold the most cookies three years in a row in Girl Scouts, had charges filed against her for assault.
The truly bad thing about it was that my ex-husband had no lasting damage done to his body.
I had worked days and nights for a week for this particular presentation and Jessica, my insanely competitive twenty-three-year-old intern, kept implying that I was out of touch, with one of those saccharine sweet smiles you want to rip off people’s faces. I suddenly felt this insidious crack in my body breaking me open right up at the podium.”
~ from The Last Time I Was Me, by Cathy Lamb
It goes on to tell the story of a woman, Jeanne, ditching her entire life, heading into the unknown (in her case, literally, by getting in her car with a few possessions and driving until she decided to stop), doing some really hard healing work and finding her genuine self under all the debris of her life, and building a whole new and different kind of life where the ‘real her’ could find joy and thrive.
The events of early 2013 led to my own “not-so-innocent breakdown.” I ran away to hide in a small cabin in the woods that fall, leaving a lot of my possessions behind. I did the hard work of healing and excavating myself out from under a lifetime of pain and trauma.
When I left that cabin in April of 2014, just days before the first anniversary of my Mama’s death and the day of my final divorce hearing – and just a few days after euthanizing my dog when he began bleeding internally – I was on unsteady legs, but I was moving forward to a new life for myself and leaving what was left of the past behind.
By September, when Mama’s house sold and I left my 20-year career, I was physically, emotionally, spiritually and energetically aligned to manifest a whole new life…
and little did I know where it would take me!
Part of the process of choosing to step into expansion and create something new is allowing – the decision to let it be different. It’s creating space to make room for the new to expand and become what serves your highest good…
without trying to control how that happens.
I don’t mean sitting on your butt and passively waiting for something good to happen – taking inspired action toward your desires and goals is very important – but rather, setting your intentions around what you want to have come into your life and then getting out of the way of the divine by letting it happen in its own way, in its own time.
Allowing power to bring it into existence rather than trying to force it into existence. For a lot of us, that’s not an easy thing to do, and I had some bumps in the road when I was trying too hard to force things.
In the present, though, as it happened for Jeanne in The Last Time I Was Me, I ended up in a life that supports my well-being.
Over the course of the last couple of years, I’ve talked to hundreds of women about the adversities that women face, and I’ve discovered that Jeanne’s experience – and my own experience – isn’t uncommon. Women all over the place are cracking up – they’re breaking down, collapsing under the weight of expectations and demands, anxiety and grief, pain and illness, trauma and abuse, and trying to do it all.
And women everywhere are saying Enough! They’re committing to finding a healthier, saner, happier way of life.
On the Indomitable Women podcast, I interviewed women who’ve experienced exactly this same thing: coming to a tipping point – or a crisis point – in their lives and making a decision to do it differently, then finding creative ways to heal and thrive.
And then they’re stepping up to help other women find the way to heal, and to connect back to the natural ways of women that have been buried for so long in our masculine-energy oriented society.
The divine feminine is rising, and women are awakening and gathering. More and more women every day are done with living under a social and cultural model that doesn’t nourish women and doesn’t acknowledge the necessary balance of feminine energy we need.
In September of 2009, the Dalai Lama said: “The world will be saved by the Western woman.” When he made that statement, we were very early in the 9-year Universal Cycle that’s coming to a conclusion this year.
I believe the trend that’s happening now – women drawing the line and actively creating change, and then stepping out in their power to help other women – is the coalescence of the Dalai Lama’s prediction. It’s the rise of the divine feminine, and women are gathering together in powerful circles to bring back the natural ways of women.
And those natural ways are going to take center stage in the humanity shift that’s on the horizon.
As we close out the final days of this 9-year cycle and prepare for a new cycle to begin – a cycle that I believe is going to herald tremendous change for women – I’d like you to ask yourself a question:
Are you ready to create healing and manifest the life you’re dreaming of?
If you’ve been feeling like you’re cracking up – feeling a little bit like you’re going crazy, feeling powerless, feeling like you can’t take it another minute – you’re feeling the energy of the divine feminine rising, and you’re being called to step into your power and join the ranks of women who are awakening and gathering to help humanity heal.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about women “cracking up” in the comments below.
Love & Blessings,
P.S. – Be sure to check out Cathy Lamb’s books – I’ve read several more since and they’re all about women cracking up and finding themselves underneath. You can find her here: http://cathylamb.org/2016/07/that-mean-woman/
P.P.S. One of the ways I teach energy healing and manifesting skills is through my free Radiant Resilience Community – click below to join us and get The Secret to Emotional Resilience 4-part audio mini-course free